I got so much positive feedback but the thing that surprised me the most were all the comments of people who struggle with the same thing. So I decided to write a blog post about it because so many people really do struggle with body image issues and it's a topic that hits so close to home. I have written and deleted this post numerous times because it makes me scared, anxious, and vulnerable. Most of my friends and family know that I have struggled with this but I don't think they know to what extent.
It all started 18 years ago when I was only in fourth grade (that makes me sad). Our teacher passed out our pictures that we had gotten back from picture day and all of the girls in the class were passing each other's around. One of the girls commented on mine that I had a chubby face. That was the first time that I realized there was something "wrong" with me and that other people were aware of it. And that's when the self awareness, insecure, body shaming began. It heightened in jr high and high school. And then finally to know, after having three kids in six years all by c-section leaving me with weird, saggy, stretched out skin that I didn't even knew existed til I got it myself. On top of all of that, we live in a day and age where every magazine, commercial, billboard, and social media advertisement is telling us that if we aren't a certain size, that we aren't anything.
Over all of these years, I have ripped myself apart, looked in the mirror everyday and told myself I need to lose weight, have whiter teeth, prettier hair, better makeup, cuter clothes. If only I could do these things, then I could be happy with myself. Like it was a destination and I wasn't going to reach it until I looked "perfect". When I fall short, more and more negative self talk goes on until I've convinced myself that I'm less of a person because I don't look how I think I should. It's become a bad addiction where I thrive on talking to myself this way and don't know how to talk to myself any other way.
After feeling this way for so long, I had just had enough. I started going to counseling. It was really, really hard at first. I would usually just cry and when he would give me keys to helping the situation, I told him I couldn't do it. It was like I had been stuck in this for so long, I didn't know how to be any other way. I didn't feel worthy of loving myself and being comfortable in my own skin. Then he asked me, "what if you get to your goal, then what, are you just going to magically be happy"? Of course, I wanted to say yes. But we all know that's not how it works. So I told him no. And that was kind of the start of it all. I needed to be happy now. I needed to quit focusing on how skinny I wanted to be and start focusing on how healthy I need be. I started taking baby steps. I think the most important thing I did was made myself very aware of how I was talking to myself. If I started to talk bad to myself, I would quit. And after a while, I not only stopped myself but I would also replace it with something nice. And it felt good. And then one day, I decided that I wasn't going to let my self worth be decided by a number on a scale. So I quit weighing myself. And that day was triumphant. And finally, I decided that no matter what I looked like, I was not going to miss out on another summer of having fun with Chance and my kids because I didn't want to get into a swimsuit. And the day I went swimming with them was one of the happiest days of my life. Not really because of what we were doing, but because I wasn't worrying about what anyone around me was doing. I was able to soak up my kids and all the things they do that make me happy.
Now this isn't a one and done deal. I don't think I'll ever be "cured". I truly believe that it is an addiction and I will constantly have to work on it. I have already caught myself more times than I can count since my "swimsuit day" that I have shamed myself. But I'm aware of it now and I am making the steps to be better. I think my biggest motivation is my kids. If they ever talked to themselves the way I have, I would be crushed. But if they hear me doing it, why wouldn't they? I want to teach them that who we are on the inside is way higher up on the priorities than how we look on the outside. I want them to know that they are the coolest human beings and that they need to love themselves! And I want to be healthy so that I can live a long time for them. If making healthy lifestyle changes means I lose a few pounds, that would be awesome. But I'm not going to put all of my energy into being skinny anymore, just happy.
Thanks for reading and for all of your support. If you struggle with body image issues, I'd love to talk.
I hope you all have the best weekend ever! The Red Brick Blondie.
